lordgloria (lordgloria) wrote,

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Stolen From BuckFush

W Jokes from Jim

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer is seven:

* One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.

* One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb.

* One to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb.

* One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs.

* One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton one million dollars for a light bulb.

* One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.

* And finally, one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

President George Bush was visiting an elementary school today and he visited one of the classes. The students are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.”

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says Bush, “that would be an ACCIDENT.”

A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a 'tragedy'.”

“I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.

President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic,” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss.”

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living.

He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed “YES” 1,237 times for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his “red brothers.”

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs about how they come to select the new name given to the President.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Bush and Cheney were being served at lunch by an attractive lady and when being asked what would he like Cheney opted for a salad since he had to watch his diet. Bush said he’d like a “quickie” whereupon the waitress immediately took offense. Cheney quickly bailed George out by telling her George really meant “quiche.”

The President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House. He has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: “Nice pigs, sir.”

The President replies: “These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.”

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, “Nice trade, sir.”

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move.”

“Oh," said the man. “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s," replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible," said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where’s Bush’s clock?” asked the man.

“Bush’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”

W, Laura and Big Dick are flying back to Washington on Air Force One. Laura and Dick are lost in their own thoughts, while George is looking out the window at the landscape passing by below. He absently remarks to the other two: “Ya know, I could throw ten thousand dollar bills out of this plane and make ten people down there purty happy.”

Laura replies, “Well, George, I guess that’s true... and I could throw a hundred hundred dollar bills out and make a hundred people down there pretty happy.”

To which Dick adds: “Yes, and I could throw a thousand ten dollar bills out and make a thousand people down there happy.”

The pilot, who’s overheard all this, turns to his co-pilot: “Bigshots, eh?” he chuckles. “I could throw all three of ‘em out of this plane and make 250 million people happy!”

W is at a photo op at an elementary school. He asks the kids if they have any questions.

Little Timmy gets up and says he has two questions. “If Al Gore got more votes in Florida, how come he’s not president, and why didn’t you stop the 9/11 plot when they told you about it on your ranch?”

W goes grey, stammers. The principal, seeing W’s discomfort, says, “It’s time for recess, children. Go out to the playground and we’ll continue with the president when you come back.”

Fifteen minutes later, the kids are back in the assembly hall and W looks much more composed. He asks if there are questions.

Little Annie gets up and says she has two questions. “How come we got recess half an hour early, and what happened to Timmy?”

What happens when Bush takes Viagra? He gets taller. .......Robin Williams

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